An Open Letter to Danny Gokey

Dear Danny Gokey,

I want to start this post of by explaining why I’m writing this to you.

I recently went through a break-up and it absolutely destroyed me. Day in and day out, I’d find myself crying my eyes out at the most random times and at literally everything. I had crazy thoughts going through my head for the longest time. I honestly just felt like I couldn’t go on with life.

Why?

Simply over a boy who I devoted more time into than I did God. When me and said boy began dating, we had God be the center of our relationship, we’d go to church together, we’d listen to Christian music together, we’d pray together when we would leave each other. Then over time, He became less and less the focus of our relationship and pretty much became nonexistent.

I found myself thinking that after we broke up, God was punishing me. God was mad at me because I stopped giving time to Him, I stopped thanking Him for everything He did for me. Which in turn made me mad at God. I yelled at Him daily. I begging Him to bring the guy back to me.

Until my mom told me to pray, to reach out to God, reach out to Godly people. And that’s exactly what I did.

I reached out to a girl I grew up with whom I knew was a devoted Christian and she told me about your song Tell Your Heart to Beat Again. When she first told me to listen to it, I didn’t. I told myself that it was just another depressing song I’d listen to and cry because once again, I wasn’t good enough.

Until one day, I felt like God reached out to me and told me to listen to the song. He wanted to calm my broken and weary heart. So I turned on your song…

“Shattered like you’ve never been before. The life you knew in a thousand pieces on the floor…” 

As soon as those words hit my ears, I knew this song was going to be more than a song to me, as weird as that may be.

I continued to listen to this song on repeat for days. I wrote some of the lyrics on the dry erase boards in my room for daily reminders. When I started getting sad again, I’d play your song.

“Yesterday’s a closing door. You don’t live there anymore. Say goodbye to where you’ve been and tell your heart to beat again.” 

And that’s what I had to do. I had to forget about the things that happened in my yesterdays. I had to realize that I no longer was apart of a world where I let a single boy control everything I did and said. I had to say goodbye to the girl I was for almost three years, and I had to tell my broken heart that it needed to beat again and be whole.

Let every heartbreak and every scar be a picture that reminds you who has carried you this far cause love seems farther than you ever could.”

Finally, I had to tell myself that this heartbreak I was going through, God did it, but He didn’t do it in a malicious way. He did it because He knew I needed to go through that before I find the Godly man He knows I deserve. I had to tell myself that God was holding my hand and He was walking with me through the pain.

Last night, February 4, 2017, I attended Winter Jam in Atlanta with no intention of seeing you there or hearing your music. I mean, why would I? You weren’t on the line-up.

You walked out on stage, sang a few songs, and then you sang Tell Your Heart to Beat Again. It took all I had in me not to break down then and there. All I could do was close my eyes and raise my hands up to the Lord because that day I found myself thinking about my ex again, and whether or not God intended it to happen, hearing that song told me to “get back up, take step one, leave the darkness” and feel the sun.

So with all of that being said, thank you, Danny Gokey, for helping me realize that this is all apart of God’s plan and there is a much greater plan that He has for me.

 

Sincerely,

 

A dedicated fan.

 

 

An Open Letter to The Girl Who Dates Him Next

Dear ______,

I don’t know whether to say congratulations, you’re so lucky, or to tell you to run away as fast as you can. As Jana Kramer says, I got the boy, but I can’t tell you if you got the man.

I guess I want to tell you a little bit of both.

You are lucky. He’s a great guy. He’ll love you and he’ll show you so much affection it’ll make you sick. But he’ll also probably lie to you about something stupid because he knows what he’s done bothers you. He’ll probably get mad at you because you’re trying to explain something to him but he feels you’re telling him he’s stupid.

You’re lucky because you’ll get someone who tells you he loves you and you make him happy daily, but you also need to run because he just might be lying. He might be telling you that because that’s what he thinks you need to hear right now.

You’re lucky because you have someone who will try really hard to love the things you love and will introduce you to the things he does and you’ll fall in love with those as well, but you should run because sometimes his family makes life too hard. Sometimes his family tries to control every single aspect of your relationship, and while they’re great people, sometimes it becomes too much to handle.

You’re lucky because you got the person I loved so deeply and passionately. You’re lucky because you get to hold what use to be my world in your arms whenever you want to.

But there’s a few things you should know…

He’s indecisive.

He wants you to support him, but don’t ever tell him when he’s wrong.

He pretends you’re important to him, but he’ll probably choose his friends over you.

He won’t stick up for you when it comes to his friends and family because you can “handle yourself.”

He’ll depend on you a little too much where it gets to the point you feel like his mom.

He’s moody.

He’s very emotional.

He’ll lie.

And then act like “sorry” is the answer to any problem.

He’ll ignore any problems that arise.

He’ll tell you things you want to hear…

And make you feel on top of the world.

He’ll stop caring.

He’ll tell you he feels nothing for you.

He’ll tell you he’s done for good…his feelings are never coming back.

And then he’ll leave you.

So right now you are lucky, but a few months from now, maybe even a year or two, you might be the one telling another girl to run as fast as she can.

To The Girl Finally Turning The Page

 This post is for all the girls who spend days, weeks, or even months curled up in a ball in bed crying your eyes out, begging him to come back. This post is for all the girls out there that finally decided that they spent far too many hours obsessing over a guy who probably hasn’t thought about them twice…or even once for that matter.

Like many of my other posts, I take forever to write them. I spend so much time trying to find the right words to say to my followers, and really myself, that by the time I write it, feelings have completely changed. 

Obviously by my past blog posts, you all know that I recently went through a break-up. While it was totally mutual, it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I spent the first couple of weeks constantly thinking about him, wondering where he was or who he was with. I stalked the heck out of his social media. 

People would still ask me about him and I’d break down. I’d hear a song we use to jam to, and I’d cry. So many things would remind me of him, and I would always lose it.

Then one day, everything changed. I decided I really didn’t want him anymore. It took weeks for me to realize that I wasn’t missing him; I was missing the constant companionship. I was missing always having someone to call/text when I wanted to go eat or go to the movies or to go shopping. I missed having someone to send a funny video to or a stupid joke. I didn’t miss him though. 

I learned that there were too many differences in our lives. I learned that I should have never planned a future with someone I started dating in high school. I learned I shouldn’t have taken for granted all the memeories we made. I learned that no matter how bad we wanted it to work, no matter how much we claimed we loved each other, that there just wasn’t a future for us. 

God puts certain people in your life at certain times to teach you lessons. He puts friends in your life to teach you who to trust and how to trust. He puts you in a relationship to teach you how to love and to allow you to learn how much you’re willing to put up with. Every person He takes from you is there to help move you along in life. 

It was a fun ride. It was a long, stressful two and a half years. We went through a lot of things in two and a half years that people shouldn’t go through, but we did it together. There were so many good things I’ll take from my relationship, but there were also many bad things that I don’t want to remember. 

So to the girl who’s finally ready to turn the page to the next chapter, congratulations. It’s hard and takes a lot to reach that point after a long relationship. 

Start focusing on yourself. Find yourself if you lost it in the person you were with. Read books. Go on trips. Go see your favorite artist in concert. Visit museums. Have lots of girls night. Eat all the Mexican food your little heart desires. 

And enjoy this next chapter. 

The Final Goodbye of 2016

Falling in love with you was the worst decision I’ve ever made. 

Three years ago, I made that decision to love you. To love you with every part of me, fully and fearlessly. Through the bad and through the good. The hard and the easy. The boring and the exciting. 

And boy, did I have to put up with some crap that I shouldn’t have had to, but I did and I stayed and I stuck by your side. And loved you more than anything. 

I planned my entire future around you. I planned it to be with you. And you did, too. 

Until one day you decided I was no longer apart of your future or your present. 

You decided there was no place left for me in your life. There was no more happiness, there was no more laughs, there was no more adventure. 

When you left, it broke me. You took my heart with you. I lost apart of me–if not most of me.

It’s funny, isn’t it? You spend so much time with someone, and for some reason you become their everything, their entire world. And then one day, you decide to leave and then they’re left with nothing. 

It’s so funny to me because I did make you my world and that was my biggest mistake. It’s hard to go places because every one of my favorite places, I took you to. All the songs I once loved are so hard to listen to because you started loving them as well. So many memories were made with you that I want to so badly forget about. 

When we first broke up, all I wanted was for you to come back to me. All I wanted was to wake up to a text, or see you at my door, but it never happened. Every day I wanted you back, you were busy moving on with your life. 

It’s only been about three weeks, and it’s still hard, but it’s getting easier every day. I miss you less and less, I wonder what you’re doing less and less, but there is still a part of me that wishes you’d change your mind.

I do wish you nothing but the best. I have nothing bad to say about you because you are amazing. You’ve always been amazing. You’re so caring, and loving, and you’re so sweet. You’re supportive and you’re trustworthy. 

Once you do a little growing up, someone is going to be so lucky to have you. They’ll get to see what I’ve seen in your from the beginning. 

As I say goodbye to 2016, I also say goodbye to you. The piece of my heart that I lost. 

When I Finally Knew I Loved You

We knew each other for a few years. We interacted randomly throughout the school years, and more during baseball season, but that was it. We didn’t text ever, we never hung out. It was a once a year type of friendship. 

I never thought about you in a way that meant more than a friend. I was never attracted to you, even though I always thought you were “adorable.” Granted, I could’ve never been attracted to you because I always had a boyfriend. 

And then one day, everything changed. 

It was a typical game day. I was getting the concession stand ready, you were going to practice. The weather was perfect. You walked over to the concession stand for a drink, said hey to me, and my life hasn’t been the same since. 

You turned into a perfect human being. 

I began thinking about you all the time. 

I wanted to be around you. 

I wanted to talk to you. 

Suddenly, you became the only thing I could focus on. 

I was suddenly infatuated with you. I wanted to know everything there was to know about you. I was…

Obsessed, I guess you could say. 

Completely hooked. 

That day, I knew I had to make you mine. 

Day in and day out, I wondered what you thought about me. I couldn’t figure out how to approach the whole situation, so I relied on my friends. 

Hundreds of texts, hours of creeping, many pictures later, I dove in. 

Time went on and eventually our simple friendship turned into a constant flirt fest. Whenever we were around each other, there was never a dull moment. 

Flash forward to a few weeks from prom. I knew it was time to make my move…

This was it. 

I chunked a baseball at your head. And that baseball changed my life. 

Prom came, and by then I was already head over heels crazy about you. But that night, I knew I’d love you for the rest of my life. 

And honestly, the rest is history. 

Two years later and I wouldn’t change a thing about where we’ve ended up. 

I love you. Thank you for everything you’ve done over the last two years. Thank you for being the best boyfriend anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for being so much more than I deserve. 

I love you.  

    
   

An Open Letter to The Boy Who Broke My Heart

Dear ______, 

I gave you two years of my life. You promised me forever. We planned our future together. You had me tricked that you were my Once Upon a Time, but oh, that just wasn’t true. 

I don’t hate you though. Not at all. At first, I did. I felt so strongly about how much pain you put me through, that I honestly thought I hated you, but I can’t hate you for deciding you didn’t actually love me. It would’ve been selfish to force you to pretend.

I don’t regret the memories made, the laughs shared, the smiles captured, but I do regret the tears cried, the lies built, and the pretending we were happy. 

You broke my heart. I cried for a long time after we finally ended things. Even weeks after we called it quits, I thought I owed it to you if I talked to some guy or went on a daye. I thought I needed to call and tell you and apologize. It took me forever to realize you didn’t care. You didn’t answer my phone calls or reply to my texts. The only thing I ever got from you was a message saying that you were disappointed in me for hanging out with other guys. 

You ruined a lot for me. I’d go somewhere and have to leave because it reminded me of you. I would hear a song and I’d have to change it because it brought back memories of you.  From the first lie, the first time you said you needed time, I should’ve ran, but I didn’t. I tricked myself into believing you were different, that you didn’t really mean any of the mean things you did or said to me. I should’ve listened to my head and I should’ve  ran far, far away. 

It didn’t take long for you to move on and find a new girlfriend. It hurt. I was extremely jealous. And I spent hours endlessly creeping on the two of you. Eventually, I found out you treated that girl the same way. 

Not everything was negative about our relationship. You taught me not to give my all to someone who didn’t put the same effort in. You taught me not to give something up just to make someone stay. You taught me how to love someone truly and with my whole heart. You taught me not to give people chances who did not deserve my trust. But most importantly, you taught me how to forgive. 

I hope life is treating you well and you treat your next girl better than you treated me. 

Sincerely, 

Brittni. 

An Open Letter To His Family

This is an open letter to the family of the boy I fell in love with: 

I’m going to start this off by saying I don’t hate any of you. I could never hate y’all. I’ve known all of you for so many years and have come to love each and every one of you, that no matter what y’all did, I could never hate you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt by the things you have done.

A part of me hopes that one of you see this, and a part of me hopes you never do. It has been sitting on my heart long enough that I knew I needed to get it out in the open, even if none of you ever see it.

I’ll never understand why each of you have made the decisions you have about me, but I respect them. No matter how long I have to go through this or what I actually have to go through, I’ll always respect each of you and the decisions you make. I may not ever understand or agree with them, but you’re all adults I grew to respect and love over the years.

Over the last 365 days, all of you have hurt me, in more than one way, but I don’t hate any of you. What I feel is hurt, and sadness. I feel betrayed, in a way. I feel as though I’m not good enough for not only him, but for any of you either.

Over the last 365 days, I’ve gone through the days being as happy as I could be because I’ve gotten the chance to get to know your son and grandson on a more personal level than ​I have over the years I’ve known him. I’ve gotten the chance to know the amazing man you have grown as parents, and helped raised as grandparents. I’ve gotten the chance to be treated the way every girl should be treated by a man.

For all the reasons I have listed above, I want to thank you. Parts of me feel like if you didn’t make the decisions you did, I wouldn’t have been able to love a person the way I love your son, the relationship that the two of us share wouldn’t have had the chance to grow as strong as it is today.

There are days where I’m sad. So so sad. I see other couples out in public being all happy and couply and even with their families and it hits me hard that I can’t have that. Why? Because of age? No. That may be one reason, but there’s more to it, but I wish you all would look past your fears. I wish you would have at least given me a chance. I wish I would have been given the chance to sit down with you and talk about where I see your son/grandson and I going. I wish I wasn’t turned away the second things changed between he and I.

The two of us have already been through so much in just the short amount of time we have confessed our feelings for each other, but all it has done is made us stronger and shown us that no matter what is thrown at us, we can make it through it. No matter what pitch life throws at us, we can hit homeruns all day.

I’ll never understand what I did to make you guys not like me. Is it because I developed feelings for your son/grandson? Because I’m “too old”? Because you’re afraid? 

Whatever the reason–one I’ll probably never know– I’ll respect. I won’t agree, but I will respect. I just ask you never be fake to me, even if you’re trying to make him happy. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that I can take what you all feel or think, or I can take how me and him feel and run with it. And I don’t mean any disrespect by this, but I’m taking how the two of us feel and running with it because in the end, it’s what matters the most to him and me, not you guys. I’m sorry.

Although I feel sad daily because of your decisions, I can’t help but silently thank you for raising an amazing man, allowing me to experience true love, and for putting me to a very hard test. I thank you for allowing my relationship to grow and blossom into something beautiful, and at the end of the day, I leave it in God’s hands.

And when the day comes we are finally allowed to be together, I still won’t hate any of you. I will love you just as I have over the years I’ve known you. I can’t promise I won’t hold a grudge for a little while, but maybe one day, we will all be able to come together and be friends again. Maybe I will never really be accepted. but I still won’t hate you.

All the love.

xo, B.